A Workout for Skinny-Fatties

Hey, skinny-fatties, get in here!  I’ve written your program.  That’s the hard part, right?  Finding a program that suits your needs?  This program is just for those of you who look slim with your clothes on, but appear doughy with your shirts off.  If you’re already running Ottermode or level-10 Bearmode, this isn’t for you.  My Push/Pull is for skinny-fatties who want to look good with their shirts off.  It’s working for me.  It’ll work for you.  Ready?  Go!

1. Keep a log.  I can’t stress this enough.  Know how much you weigh.  Get measurements of the important stuff like your chest, waist, and hips.  If you’re insane like I am, maybe keep track of your neck, upper-arm, forearm, upper-leg, and lower-leg circumferences too.  Weigh yourself every morning at the same time.  Update your other measurements every week or two.  Oh, maybe take pics too, so you can visualize your progress.

2. Eat right, sleep well, be smart.  We can get into nutrition some other time.  Oh hey, now’s probably the best time to tell you that I’m not a doctor or a trainer of any sort.  I’m just a nerd who used to be skinny-fat.  Point is, I’m no expert, so you’re on your own if taking my advice were to injure your back or give you diabetes.  Conversely, if my advice gets you laid, I’ll take credit.  Anyway, log your calories.  Shut up.  Just do it.  It’s not hard – just tedious.  Once you’ve done it for a while, you’ll have a feel for the nutritional content of the foods you encounter most.  You won’t be writing down every snack forever.  But for now?  Do it.

3. You’ll need some weights.  Join a gym if you want, but having weights at home is often a cheaper long-term solution.  Cruise the usual second-hand venues, and you’ll be able to find what you need.  LOTS of people fail at fitness and sell their setups for paltry sums.  I’m partial to dumbbells, because you can’t compensate for your weak arm with help from your strong arm; but a barbell will be important once you get stronger.  Weights need not be fancy, but you’ll need some combination that allows you to add 2.5 pounds per side per workout.  A doorway chin bar is a must. You can wait on a bench and a squat rack, but you’ll need both eventually.

4. Guess what!  You don’t need cardio.  It can’t really hurt, aside from wiping you out and making you too tired to get your lifting workouts in.  If you’re more fat than skinny, go ahead and do some swimming, running, or biking (in that order) to burn a few hundred extra calories each week.  Otherwise, let’s focus on increasing lean mass, which brings us to…

5. My Push/Pull!  At first, you’ll be lifting three days/week, so workout on whatever days works for your work schedule – you have a job, right?  (That’s actually Step One to getting laid.)  If you can do it in the morning, awesome.  You’ll feel rad all day.  If you have to do it after work, fine, but not too close to bedtime.  You’ll release all kinds of hormones that will make you feel really Alpha, but not very sleepy.  Anyway, we’ll call push day “workout A,” and pull day will be “workout B.”  So your two-week cycle will look like this: xAxBxAx, xBxAxBx.  That gives you plenty of time between workouts for recovery.  “X” days are days you can do some light cardio or other active recovery.  Or maybe just play Modern Warfare.

6. If you are a beginner, e.g. you’ve been lifting less than a year OR you can’t squat 1.5 times your bodyweight (ass-to-grass), you’ll be doing four sets of 12 repetitions of every exercise at 60% of your one-rep. max.  If you’re talking shit to some gymbro, just say, “Skyler has me on a three-day push/pull split.  I’m doing 4x12s at 60%1RM.”  You can Google how to calculate your 1RM, or you can just start with five pounds in each hand and add weight every workout until you can’t.  Don’t rush this shit, kid.  Start light, and you won’t get hurt. What’s your hurry?  Yeah, yeah, yeah: getting laid, but you’ve gone without that for this long.  What’s another six months?

7.  If you’ve been lifting for over a year AND you can squat 1.5 times your bodyweight, you’ll be doing four sets of eight reps at 80%1RM. Pro Tip: Studies show that advanced lifters only need to work each muscle-group twice per week for hypertrophy and hyperplasia.  The benefits of a third day of training for you will be negligible.  You will be better suited to lifting heavy and recovering right.  But let’s be reasonable.  If you’re an advanced lifter, you’re not even reading this.  I don’t know why I wrote it.

8. PUSH DAY:  All right, childrenkids.  If you’ve never performed these lifts before, be careful.  Start LIGHT.  Watch tutorials online.  Ask a trainer.  Anyway, you’re going to be doing 4 sets of 12 reps of each of the following.  Feel free to do supersets, if you’re comfortable with them.  It will probably cut down your total workout time.  The workout is:

q      SQUAT, of course, for dem Quads.  This baby also engages your Gluteus Maximus, Adductor Magnus, Soleus, Hamstrings, Gastrocnemius, Erector Spinae, Rectus Abdominis, and Obliques.  Go as deep as you can.  With proper form and gradual weight-progression, you probably wont make your knees explode like most people think.

q      BENCH PRESS, for doze Pecs.  You’ll also be using your Anterior Deltoids, your Triceps Brachii, and the short head of your Biceps Brachii.

q      INCLINE BENCH PRESS, for moar Pecs.  More delts, bis, and tris too.

q      MILITARY PRESS, for shoulders.  It also hits your pecs, tris, and traps as well as fun stuff like the inferior digitations of your Serratus Anterior and your Levator Scapulae.

q      CALF RAISE, ‘cause you don’t want to look like a barrel balanced on pool cues.

q      SKULL CRUSHER, because you feel as Alpha when you say it as when you do it.  The Triceps Brachii contributes the most mass to your upper arms, so these will fill out your tees.

q      BONUS ROUND!!!  Still have energy to burn?  Throw in these extra lifts to make your PUSH DAY godlike.  LUNGE then maybe something for the Hip Adductors.  If you’re still ready for more after this, I salute you.  Now stretch, maybe foam-roll, get a bath, some protein and some sleep, and I’ll see you the day after tomorrow for…

9. PULL DAY.  Same drill; 4x12 of:

q      PULL-UP.  Skinny-fatties are lucky, because we can usually do these naturally.  If you can’t do one, you’ll have to settle for the lat pull-down machine which is so Beta that I don’t even want to talk about it.  The pull-up is the best thing to get the Latissimus Dorsi, but it also shreds not less than nine synergistic muscles and uses the Triceps as a dynamic stabilizer.  Do all 48 of these, even if it takes 48 sets of 1.

q      STRAIGHT-LEG DEADLIFT is actually about the only way to effectively target the Hamstrings without machines.  You can do normal deadlifts, if you’re comfortable with them.

q      BENT-OVER ROW.  I usually superset these with my DLs, because I’m already down there.  This lift engages 19 muscles in your back and arms.

q      CURLZ, for the girls.  You know!

q      UPRIGHT ROW.  This lift works the lateral part of your deltoids, which will give you more fullness when viewed from the front.  This lift is a chore after all you’ve already done on PULL DAY.  Take breaks; get through it.

q      BONUS ROUND!!!  Damn, boy!  Git sum!  Try BRIDGE ABDUCTION, HANGING LEG RAISE, SHRUG, CRUNCHES.  Stretch, bath, protein, rest.  You know the drill now.

10. And that’s it.  Rinse and repeat.  Add weight every workout.  Get to a point where you can’t add weight?  Add reps.  If you can’t do 12 reps of 45lbs, do 15 reps of 40lbs.  Then try for 45 next time.  I was going to get into supplements and shakes, but that will have to come some other time.  I’m spent.  Good luck, gents.